Bachmann pulls out of Republican bid to "spend more time with upper eyelids."

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January 4, 2012
Source: ©PercyGloom.com

On the heels of a disappointing defeat in Iowa, Michele Bachmann has decided to pull out of the race for the Republican Presidential bid.

"You know, it's on account of her upper eyelids" a source close to Bachmann was quoted as saying. "In the early part of the race we could clearly see the whites above her irises. Boy, did that change once we really hit the road."

Others agreed that Bachmann's signature "witness to an execution" demeanor had diminished somewhat over the last several months.

"We didn't even recognize her anymore" her husband was heard saying, through tears. "But we loved her anyway. She's still that terrific dancer and dresser that I married so very, very, very long ago."

In a press conference early this morning, Bachmann confirmed the rumors.
"I came to this decision after much soul searching. Looking at my poor eyes was like seeing two lonely patriots, napping sadly on the Battlefield of Justice. But I tell you, once I made the decision those lids just flew up like a box full of puppies on Christmas morning.

"Those silly lids of mine had gone flaccid. Oops--can I say that?"